I can't stop
by Tmnt fighter 16
Summary: Raphael can't stop. Warnings : Blood, gore, self harm.
1. Chapter 1

**Before I write this story I would just like to tell you this will be based on self harm and if you cannot handle blood or gore I suggest you should not read this for safety reasons. I do not want any body to EVER try this because it does not help, even though it may feel like it. If you do it or if you know someone who does it, contact this number to get help : 1-800-don't cut (1-800-366-8288). REMEMBER this does not help and it only hurts you and the people around you. There is ALWAYS someone you mean a lot to, like, family or friends. I'm writing this story to give you a inside look of what these people feel or do when they do this, NOT for you to try! And if you ever attempt to do this, talk to someone or contact the number above because YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT!**

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_**RAPHAEL**_

I'm not really sure where it all began. I guess it was around the time where my temper started to show and I didn't know how to control it. All of my brothers would just scream at me and call me hurtful names, just because I couldn't help the temper that I had. I thought that hopefully, one day, it would just stop - but it didn't.

I remember I got into a fight with Leo, probably about something really stupid, but it was just enough to make me cry. I went into the sewers and I sat down on the ledge of a pipe looking at the view of dirty water and mud.

That day I was just feeling so down with myself and after sitting there for three hours I wasn't feeling any better. The only thing I could think of was how to make the pain go away. So, I pulled out a Sai. I studied the sharp object for a moment and put it to my wrist. I remembered something on tv, it was about people cutting them selves to make them feel better. So, I gave it a try.

I made a little indention into the sensitive flesh and saw a few droplets of blood trailing down my arm into the muggy water below me. I was already starting to feel better, but it wasn't enough. I made a few more cuts and I felt ok again. It felt so good that I became addicted.

A couple years later when I turned 14, my wrists and the tops of my arms were black, blue, and bloody. _Very_ bloody. By the time when I was 15 (the age I am now) those cuts were 10 times as worse than the ones I had when I was 14. I didn't know how to stop myself and by the day it was getting worse. I never told _anybody._ Not my brothers, not Splinter, not Casey, nor April.

I just hope no one ever finds out. The only problem is its getting harder to cover and it keeps bleeding through the gauze. I would stop, but it just feels so good.

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**Poor Raph :( **

**And I will say this one more time just incase you didn't read the top.**

**If you, or if you know someone who does this, contact this number : 1-800-don't cut (1-800-366-8288).**

**PS: you should probably read the top just for safety precautions'. And this story came from my Deviant Art account.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Raphael**_

Everyday I get up, eat, train, hangout, then go out of the sewers to cut. That's basically how my day goes. I'm sure everyone gets curious when I go out, but no one has asked for the past three years, so I don't worry. Much. I started to get a little bit more cautious after that whole "Slash" incident because everyone would just stare at me weird or give me these little glances out of the corner of their eyes. The person who's been doing the most of that is Leo, you know being the Big Brother and all. I know he feels guilty about not protecting us, but its not everyday a Muntant Ninja Turtle gets to have a tea party with a little girl.

Anyways, getting off of topic. But, back to the Leo thing. It's just that I feel like he's going to find out my secret. And believe me, _no one _needs to know my secret. If everyone found out I would never get left alone! Leo watches me enough, imagine everyone! Ugg... I know cutting isn't the best thing in the world, but its the only way to release all the pain and anguish.

Sensei always tells me my anger is always hurting the people around me. But, the only thing he leaves out is, me!  
Its like he never feels bad for me, no one does! I've tried to confront them about how I feel, but it never works. The only thing that ever happens in those talk is me getting laughed at! I mean I try to tell them how I feel, but I either get called "weak" or a "baby". When one of them feels bad, its like a whole new story! They get to talk! They never get called "weak" or a "baby". They always get all of the sympathy! I get the names and the punishments!

When a mission gets screwed up, its like suddenly everybody will just point fingers at me. It could be Mikey's fault, but, no, its just me. I guess I'm the only one who's allowed to screw up. I've always felt like the _black sheep_ of the family and I still do. I always felt like I was different. Then I met Casey. Sure we didn't get along when we first met, but now we're best friends. I never knew I could ever find somebody like me. It's like we meant to meet- or something like that. Anyways, I'm just glad I met him. After Spike - or Slash in this case, went berserk, I had no body to talk to, now I have Casey. After meeting him it feels like the whole world was lifted off of my shoulders, just not enough to stop the cutting. I've actually almost told him, but I always back off at the last moment. If I could trust anybody with my painful little secret, I think it would be Casey.

There's just no point to tell anybody right now. I know I need help, but who can I get from? I'm always trying figure out a way to tell them, but I just get so frustrated with ways on how to tell them, I give up. I don't know what to do anymore, besides to deal with it my self. I always tell myself I'll stop tomorrow or the next day, its just that it never happens. Sometimes I wish I didn't have anger issues or I didn't cut myself, but its just not that easy. Its like I get in trouble for being who I am and I just can't help that. I mean, no tells Leo he's being to bossy, no one tells Donnie he's being such a smart alec, and no one tells Mikey he's being to much of a pain! But, they tell me if I'm being to much of a pain! Are you getting what I'm saying now?! They only point out my problems! I've actually considered running away a few times, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I love my brothers and I know they love me, I just wish they could ease up on me a little bit.

Ok, I've talked for a while now, I need to go on patrol. Lets just hope we don't run into anything too horrible.


End file.
